10 Things I Actively Worry About When Flying

I’m flying out in a few hours, so for this week’s post, I give you – 10 Things I Actively Worry About When Flying!

1) Terrorists

2) Being mistaken for a terrorist and getting a body-cavity search from a TSA agent named Gertrude

3) Crashing

4) Ending up on Lost island (but not with the fun group – with the tail section survivors where I have to listen to Ana-Lucia constantly reassert her Alpha status)

Ugh. Obnoxious.

5) Crashing

6) A Langoliers scenario. (“they’re going to chew your eyes right out of your head Craigy Weggy!”)  This clip is even more amazing if you imagine that everyone is actually horrified, not by monsters, but at the stunningly terrible quality of the mid-90’s television CGI.  (“What the hell are those?” They’re relics of low-budget computer animation, David Morse.  Just look away!)

Here’s the magic.

7) Crashing

8) Contracting MRSA from one of those disease-ridden airplane blankets the flight attendants distribute with plastered smiles.  It’s the same look I imagine on the British soldiers’ faces as they handed out smallpox blankets to the Delawares.

Sh-sh-sh. No tears now. Only MRSA.

9) Crashing

10) The pressure changes of flying causing my appendix to burst.  Apparently this isn’t a real thing, but it’s a thing I worry about nonetheless.  Once I took a trip to India and one of the girls I was traveling with got appendicitis shortly after our arrival.  She had to have her appendix removed in an Indian hospital and the doctor actually brought her appendix out to the waiting room to show the other girls who were waiting there for her.  Did you read that?  Let me repeat it.  HE BROUGHT HER MOTHER EFFING APPENDIX OUT TO THE WAITING ROOM! I wasn’t there, but I imagine it went like this, but with an appendix instead of a heart.  Anyway, for whatever reason, ever since then I worry that being on an airplane will make my appendix burst.


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